WHISPERING SMITH: Dog day morning

However, she may be interested in this missive, which dropped into my mailbox. It is more or less as written, although there were, understandably, a good few typos!

“Dear Smitty, I do not believe there is any way my elderly owner, as lovely and kind as she is, will write to the LA Gazette, so I have taken it upon myself to write on behalf of all dogs with such owners before we, the dogs, gain even greater momentum up the anti-social ladder.

“I have chosen your column for one very good, if somewhat unhappy reason. Most mornings, well before you climb out of bed, I deposit a little something outside your front door, sometimes a little further on if you are lucky.

“As hard as I try, I just cannot make the grass at the end of your street and even if I did, out of sight is not really out of mind and I would still wear the brand of a ‘dirty dog’.

“My owner, on the other end of my lead, looks the other way whilst I perform, as if not aware of what I am doing, then drags me off before I have finished my business, thus elongating the problem, so to speak.

“As much as I appreciate her loving feelings towards me, were I able, and should she ever be summoned, I would appear for the prosecution in order to raise the image of all dogs back to its rightful status as man’s best friend, a position we once so enjoyed.

“However, I feel a summons is quite unlikely as, despite all the little dog poo signs, she believes the dog warden to be an urban myth, at least in the LA area. When we pass your house the next morning, the poo has gone, so she assumes there is a phantom cleaner, but I know it is you and, again, I am so sorry but it really isn’t my fault.

“By the way, I do enjoy your cat anecdotes. On the whole they are pretty stupid animals chasing feathers, bits of string, ping pong balls or just sleeping their lives away, but they have learned to poo in a neighbour’s garden and they do bury it! That appears to be something from our long ago that we have forgotten to do.

“Warm regards, Bruin.”

There was more but I end the letter there. Good boy, Bruin, thank you, and if you could keep your doings a little nearer to the gutter in future, it would save me some time in the morning clean-up!

FLOWERS IN THE RAIN Congratulations to the council gardeners for the super floral display both in the town centre and the outlying areas, particularly my own favourite patch in the Chennevières-sur-Marne Garden. I do hope they realise just how much their efforts are appreciated.

CREASE IS THE WORD People watching again: I’m sitting in the Waitrose cafeteria, when in strolls a smartly dressed, middle aged man in trousers with pleats you could peel an apple with – back and front.

Not noticed such edges for a long time, so spent half an hour watching for others, but without a crease in sight. Where did they all go? Tough times in the trouser press trade…