Blood letting in Battle '“ first blood

Boldly I march into the main hall, where a waiting male nurse stands ready to greet the latest raw recruit.

“Welcome” says the nurse, “Name and date of birth”. To which I give the appropriate response. “Have you given blood before?” He continues. “No” I reply, like a teenager being interrogated about his virginity.

He presents me with a clipboard, to which is attached a paper full of questions.

“Could you please fill in the answers to the questions on this side, but leave the other, as we will fill this in ourselves”

As I work through it I am pleasantly surprised to realise that there is actually a good chance that I will know all the answers. It is also evident that ‘No’ is the preferred answer to most of them, and as the column of ‘No’ ticks grows my confidence rises.

Then the trick question appears - “For women only: Have you ever …..?” Now I am stymied. What do I put for the answer? After long agonising, I realise that “No” is actually the correct answer, as being a man I am technically incapable of whatever a woman may or may not have done. Duly fortified I tick the ‘No’ box and continue.

The sheet completed, I hand it to the nurse at the desk, with 100% of answers ticked ‘No’. I confidently assume that my passage through to the next stage of blood-giving is a formality. However, as he looks down the list of questions he comes to the ‘woman only’ questions and pauses.

“You are not supposed to answer the woman only questions” he says, peering over his glasses.

“Oops!” I retort. Appropriately admonished he gives me a leaflet which explains the whole process I am volunteering for and indicates I should read it before being called by yet another nurse.

Several minutes later I report for further questioning. The nurse reads through each question, apparently satisfied with my nice uninterrupted column of ‘No’ answers. Then she pauses and I know what is coming.

“You answered the ‘woman only’ questions. Why?” She asks with almost Teutonic directness. I can almost see the monocle falling from her eye.

I respond with a shrug “Is idiot blood unacceptable?” At which she throws me a dagger.

“It is just that answering the ‘women only’ ones suggests that you didn’t read the questions. We need to be sure you did!”

I humbly apologise and promise to do better next time. Having narrowly passed the suitability checks, I am instructed to return to the waiting area in anticipation of the main event – the ‘blood-letting’ itself!

(To be continued)